Memories from my spiritual father, Elder Joseph of Vatopaidi

1 July 2010- VatopaidiFriend

‘An expression of love and dedication to my blessed spiritual father, Elder Joseph of Vatopaidi, one year after his repose’:  Reminiscences by one worthless ‘little girl’.

‘I have always felt that my elder has picked me up from the road as he did with the orphaned little kittens which landed on his doorstep and let me ‘roost’ on his lap as he did with those.

I remember, when I was reading all those books about great elders and recognizing the genuine love they had for their spiritual children, I was praying with all my heart to find one such ‘grandpa who would love and protect me with his prayers’. How was I to know, that the good Lord would listen to my immature, childish prayer and draw me to meet Elder Joseph, one of the very few times he visited my country from the Holy Mountain? How was I to imagine that this cute, blue-eyed grandpa, whom I met inadvertently fourteen years ago, would become once and for all my sweetest, adorable, much-loved spiritual father? How would I to foresee that my one and only small obedience during our very first meeting would become the first step of my uphill spiritual growth, filled with backtrackings, stumbling and stubbornness, hanging from his sanctified garment? How would I imagine how much affection, care and self-sacrifice would be involved in this spiritual relationship on his behalf and how much he would exhaust himself, introducing Jesus into a heart, which was filled with worldly concerns?

‘May I love you, grandpa?’ I dared ask during our first brief meeting. And was stunned! ‘But, I already love you, my little girl!’ Me, a married woman with a small child, felt like a baby in the warm embrace of its mother when I heard from his lips: ‘May He grant you your heart’s desire and fulfill all your plans! (Psalms 20, 4) Thus this warm child- father relationship was sealed; my knees tremble at the great spiritual duty this relationship entails. I will carry this duty for the rest of my life’.

Diary notes kept after a brief meeting with him in Thessaloniki in 1998.    

Grandpa kept his word and asked me to visit him in Thessaloniki, when he came down from the Holy Mountain. I flew there on Monday and stayed till Tuesday 11^th of November. It was a day and half filled with Grace and peace. Everything happened so quickly… Was it a dream?

I met grandpa from two in the afternoon until six when I left for the hotel and the following day until five o clock in the afternoon when I had to leave for the airport. He greeted me with such affection and kindness that all the fatigue from the trip disappeared immediately! He was telling me about his life, how he wanted to become a monk, how he started and also about the great and many hardships he faced in the various monasteries. (‘I am not telling you all these to brag, but to show you that what you are now going through is nothing!’) He was also describing his spiritual father – Elder Joseph the Hesychast- and was telling me about the abundance of blessings and the presence of grace all of his spiritual children inherited after this great man’s death.

Elder Joseph: ‘His ‘testament’ was revealed after his death, and we, the ‘nobodies’ and the despised, suddenly became like giants!’

He also described the lives of several of his spiritual children as examples of patience and perseverance. His eyes would fill with tears, especially when he was humbly referring to the many blessings he had received from the Lord and for His great love ‘to me, the abandoned, the insignificant and the dead thing. I looked like I was being aborted, when I was born!’

He would shower me with advice on how to show patience and taught me how to pray. Twice he offered a prayer to the Lord in order to teach me how to pray and what to say to Him. ‘My All Merciful Father, while you knew who I was, you did not despise me; you pulled me out of the latrine, instead. Do not let me wander off, keep me with you; give me Your Grace and teach me how to obey your commands’.

Unfortunately, I cannot remember all his words during those very emotive prayers. However, he would insist: ‘When you say these things, you say everything. You do not need anything else’. He was stressing that if I keep blaming myself and if I genuinely believe that I am the lowest of all creatures, I will be saved and there will be no possibility for me losing my soul. And his eyes would constantly fill with tears. And so would mine…

I was sitting on the floor by his feet and occasionally he would caress my head. Heavenly moments… Who can describe them? I kept hanging on to him, to his love and his prayers…

Several times he would repeat to me that ‘the more you love your spiritual father, the more treasure you will be able to take out from the chest, which is filled with his prayers. And more you will be able to feel the love your father has for you, his child’.

I was pressing him to admit if he does indeed visit me every time I feel that he does, but he would deny this out of humility. ‘I am sleeping in my bed’ he would reply. But he would admit that ‘everything is possible to the one who has faith’. Indeed…
What can I say about the so many times, he would jump up, like a young man despite his many years, to offer me either some sweet, or a cup of coffee or cheese pastries…

Nevertheless, he would always try to preserve a spiritual level to our conversation even though he would occasionally refer to politics, crack a joke, or talk about the future … He would say that in a few years there will be another great European war, in which Russia will be involved because Turkey will attack Greece in the Aegean to capture its oil reserves. Two hundred and thirty million people will be killed, he would say, and then John, who will be asked by an angel to intervene, will be gathering the bones of those killed for many years to come….Then there will be a revival, so that the Christians will be able to recover before the appearance of the Antichrist. Then even nature will be disturbed. The rivers will dry up and the sea will flood the shores for miles inland and then withdraw. The air will be filled with the stench of death… (Didn’t this take place a few years later in north eastern Asia when the tsunami left hundreds of thousands of people dead?) The wind will not blow and rains will not come. People will plead to be allowed to die, but death will not come. However, the Lord will shorten those days for the sake of the very few, the chosen ones …

He had to rest for a short time after lunch. I went for a walk and bought some books from the bookstore. They were ‘Pneumatika gymnasmata’ by St Nicodemus the Hagiorite.

Elder Joseph: I also used to read this book; Also the ‘Spiritual War’ because the language was easy and I could understand it. I learnt how to blame myself from these books. This is what you must also practice and do not worry.

Author: Grandpa, I have read hundreds of books and I do not remember anything!

Elder Joseph: No. Don’t say that. This is the seed. It will flourish when the Lord wants it to.

When I tried to confess some of my worst sins he would stop me. ‘No. Don’t think about them. Think only about the Lord’s infinite mercy’.
Elder Joseph: I lose my wits when I think about the Lord’s mercy. How He chose us, the lowly, the inferior out of so many millions of people …!
He would always count himself among the sinners and would say:

Elder Joseph: You must be satisfied for all that you’re suffering in your family because it means that the Lord has accepted your repentance. He is cleansing you here so that you repay your dues in this life before you go to Heavens!

While sitting with him, I felt eager to put even more effort into my spiritual struggle to please him and show him my obedience to him. I told him.

Elder Joseph: I do not want anything, my child. It is the Lord you must please. What kind of obedience do you want to show me? You are a social person not a nun. You must obey the Lord’s commands and persevere in your spiritual struggle. Your attention must constantly be turned towards the Lord… Nothing else matters. I, myself, am ready to go… Nothing bothers me and nothing captures my attention.

I asked him what will happen to me when he dies. He raised his voice.

Elder Joseph: Where is the Lord, my child? Has He disappeared? HE IS EVERYTHING. We are only His levers. You hold on to us in order to walk the path which will take you to Him.
When the time came for me to leave, I started feeling the pain. He would crack some jokes to make me smile… Truly ‘he became all things to all people’. When I said my goodbyes, he came to the lift to see me off. His face was illuminated again with a soft, white light. This was strange. The light from the lift was orange and the corridor was dark…. Indeed, the Divine Grace was illuminating his face and the Lord permitted me to see it in order to remember it as a consolation for my separation from him…
I still do not know how I manage to leave him… On the airplane I was emotional but in the mood for praying. I was certain that this was the result of his prayers.  At home I slept peacefully.

Temptation struck me hard the following day with melancholy. What was the result of this blessed visit in Thessaloniki? It was plenty. His abundant affection… the peaceful and tranquil environment… his so much advice.
When I called him on the phone to tell him how upset I was for leaving him, he said:’ But you did not leave! I do not feel that you have left!’

Author: Yes, but why is it that I feel this way?

Elder Joseph: This is the Cross we have to carry. We live in exile. We keep forgetting this and we think that it is not so. But it is. We are deceived. You are feeling the effect of ‘the changes’. The sun has hidden behind the cloud. It is nothing. This is how things are. It will pass.

Author: I wish I was still there… I came back to my Hell. (I start crying)

Elder Joseph: It is good to cry! The way to save yourself is through your tears. Go to Church, anywhere, so long as you cry! You must cry if you are to flourish. This is the way to progress.

I put the phone down. I became an orphan again…

The end